Some thoughts on hunger

Hi my name is Liz and I want things. I want a lot of things that I often don’t get. I feel like wanting is bad for me. Every time I don’t get what I want I get sad and I just want more. It’s a never ending cycle of want. I’ve tried to stop wanting multiple times. I just think that if I could stop wanting or stop caring then I’d be happier. I’d live a better life maybe. If I could just figure out how to stop it, it would all be better. Or if I could just satisfy this unending want maybe it would stop. Forever. The things I want control me.

Hunger. When I’m hungry I should eat, then I won’t be hungry. Right? That’s how it works right? But sometimes I’m not allowed to eat. Like when I’m at work. Or when I forget my wallet and can’t buy lunch. Or sometimes I really just want a chocolate cake but I simply do not have the means to get it. So I think about chocolate cake. And I keep thinking about it. And I try eating chocolate chips in the hopes that they satisfy me and they do for a while but inevitably, the chocolate cake comes back. I still want it, till finally I bike to Smith’s and I peruse the cakes, or the donuts or whatever I want so badly, and I buy one. And I take it home and I eat that damn cake that vexed me for all that time. And it’s satisfying.

And then a week or a month or even a year later, I want chocolate cake. Again.

Is it wrong to want chocolate cake? No. Chocolate cake is delicious. It can be a really beautiful thing. Is it wrong to eat chocolate cake? Not inherently so, no. I mean people will tell you not to eat in excess because you’ll get fat and die or something. It’s ok in moderation. That’s the word we use right? Moderation. Or it’s ok on special occasions like birthday parties or other cake eating events. It’s ok at the right time and it’s ok as long as you don’t get carried away. But what if I want to eat that whole chocolate cake? What if I want to eat 12 chocolate cakes? And just eat them one after the other. Just stuff them in my mouth. Even if I puke. Even if it makes me terribly ill. Even if I get fat and die. What if I want those cakes so badly I buy one everyday and just relish eating it? And get frosting all over my face and hands just gouging out handfuls of this cake….cake everywhere….

But that’s just crazy. And disgusting. I mean, who really eats 12 cakes right? Pffft ridiculous. Even if I wanted to, the consequences are just too dire. I mean, I don’t want to get fat and die. And I don’t want everyone to think I’m a fatty or obsessed with cake. I mean jeez Liz. Control yourself. You’re better than that. You’re better than that chocolate cake. And you’re only going to buy healthy foods and eat those instead of cake. And avoid the bakery section of Smith’s and avoid birthday parties lest you fall to temptation. I mean one bite of that cake and it’s all over… deliciously over… everything you’ve worked for gone down the drain. You will get fat and die…. Just don’t think about the cake… Don’t think about how the creamy frosting lingers in your mouth…. How the rich almost brownie-like pieces almost melt at contact with your lips… pure flavor… that you absolutely CANNOT have. Ever. Don’t eat the cake… no cake. No more cake. Never. Don’t think about the cake. The cake the cake thecakethecakecakecakecakecakecakecake….

CAKE. I still always want it. No matter what I do, the cake is always there, just bringing me misery. If I could just get rid of this hunger, my life would be better. Or if people would just effing stop making cakes  I wouldn’t be plagued by the cake. It wouldn’t even matter!! How I wish it wouldn’t matter. Cakecakecakecakecake.

But what if I buy the cake. And I eat it slowly, savoring every bite. What if I consider every crumb and ask it, “are you what I really want?” What if I was open to the idea that maybe that cake is just a cake. Or that maybe, the cake isn’t what I really want. Or maybe it is. But am I open to it being either? Am I open to throwing the cake in the trash if it’s not really what I want/ Am I open to really considering that I’m filling a void for something else?

What if I do really just want cake and that’s all there is to it… What then? Well… do I have to eat the cake? Is it forcing me to eat it? Will I die? Will I die if I don’t get what I want? What if it was ok to be hungry. Do I have to eat when I’m hungry? Do I have to play this game? What if I could look square at that cake say and say “I want you” and know that if I don’t buy it, I will be ok. Because I’m a cake loving monster and I don’t care who knows it! I love chocolate cake! But I can leave that cake behind and save it for when I truly want it. And even if I never get even the smallest piece of cake ever again, my life will not be over. Because it was never about the cake at all.

It is ok to be hungry.

And it’s ok to eat cake.