This past week has been incredible. It’s hard to find words
to describe the feelings I’ve felt and things I’ve done and seen and it’s
impossible to know where I will end up as a result. But here I am, slightly hung-over from gulping down the all that my life has to offer right now. After a
shorter-than-usual incarceration in my shadows and past fears, I’ve broken out
and am running free.
From my decisions came consequences. From those consequences
came depression. From my depression came my anger. Out of my anger came
acceptance. Then with that acceptance, I acted. And I acted with all the fervor
my too-long passive heart could muster.
I have a tendency of getting myself into patterns of relationships
where the only acting I do is preemptive striking. I stop making decisions for
myself because I’m afraid of losing something. Every action of mine is simply a
reaction or comes from whatever I fear may happen. If there’s anything I’ve
learned it’s that it’s better to act and make mistakes and possibly lose than
to shrink into nothingness. I'm not alive to live small, I'm here to play big.
I went to the Grand Canyon
with a dear friend after months of talking about it and waiting for something
else to take me there. I was tired of waiting and, you know, even though it
wasn’t what I imagined the trip would be like, it was perfect in everything it
was. We saw about a hundred deer (and almost hit several of them), buffalo,
killer bees, and a million stars. We slept in my car, talked about important
things, and made friends with a guy who could’ve kicked us out of the park. And
of course, we experienced the Grand Canyon . When
I saw it then, it was more than I could’ve ever imagined and when I think about
it now, it makes me cry. It’s funny how this place, a revered hole in the ground,
began to fill its equal in my heart. All my questions I had had for the
universe and for God became irrelevant when I chose to be there.
So I kept choosing. I gave my heart. I told someone I love
things he probably already knew but had never explicitly heard. I broke promises.
I bonded with a coworker I never particularly liked simply by being honest with
her. I made new friends. I gave my time to my clients and helped someone step
back from suicide. I empowered a family I work with. I was vulnerable with a
group of friends in a fantastic midnight adventure. I got my ears pierced again.
I spent time with people I love and got to know them better. I embraced
spontaneity. I acted without expectation. I made decisions that may lead to
consequences I’ve never faced before. I saw myself as I really am instead of
trying to hide and I was simultaneously pleased and dismayed by what I saw. I got pissed off at a friend and told him exactly how I felt. I
loved in all the ways I know how. And so much more… So much more that I don’t
know how to share.
A part of 2 Nephi 2:26 “…And because that they are redeemed
from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for
themselves and not be acted upon…”. I’m not perfect. I make poor decisions more
often than not and I have to deal with the consequences. But from those, I've grown. My darkest moments
have not been in making my mistakes; I have only gotten into truly dark places
when I see my right to choose as something to be afraid of instead of something
to learn with. The darkness is not so deep when I embrace my weakness, keep
going, keep acting, and accept that even though I am imperfect, I am still
loved. Freedom is acting for yourself. There is still freedom when we continue
to choose even when we make what may be terrible mistakes. There is the
opportunity to see things as they really are and to TRULY change. I don’t think
life was ever about not making mistakes, or about being perfect (which is
something I easily get caught up in). It’s about the process and choosing in
the face of imperfection and it’s the only way to change.
Why not do what you want now? Why not live the live you truly desire today? What's stopping you besides you? Why wait for something else to hand you what you want? Go for it. Give up the one-day-I-will's and if-only-I-had-done's. Give up the fear. Choose by the yearnings of your own heart and do it with
your own hands.
