How I did not find love in the tunnel to hell

When I was a freshman, I was in love with a boy. And by that I mean, he was really hot, I knew nothing about him, and I would do anything to impress him.

One night I was on a walk with him and a group of friends down a local trail. It was a very romantic evening. Calm, with a soothing, warm breeze playing in the air... if only me and boy-I-was-in-love-with were alone. It was as I foolishly wished this that boy-I-was-in-love-with turned to me and said very seriously "I've always wanted to go in one of those". He was pointing at a storm drain that look something like this:

 

I knew then what I had to do. I put both hands on his shoulders, looked him squarely in the eye, and said "Let's do this" with a determination Indiana Jones would be impressed with. Boy-I-was-in-love-with was surprised. Looking back, I don't think he ever really wanted to crawl through a storm drain, but at the time, this seemed like a brilliant idea. My enthusiasm, the late hour, and the naiveity of our freshman souls made the rest of the group easy to convince. And so we donned gloves and other adventure gear to make the perilous trek through what may have been a tunnel to hell. 

There are many things I could say about the tunnel to hell. I could talk about it was really hard to breathe because it was filled with dirt that we kicked up while crawling. I could talk about how every sound we made was a million times amplified. I could talk about how there were a million things on the bottom of the tunnel that were poky and might have been human bones or tetanus-filled metal objects. I could talk about how I was shaking out of excitement because of my stupid spontaneity. I could talk about how multiple people in our group voiced concern but I told them to stop being pansies and grow a pair. But in reality, a large portion of my brain was devoted to figuring out the odds of water suddenly rushing down the tunnel, drowning us all and making it so no one would ever find us. While logic told me not to be stupid as this would probably not happen, fear told me logic had failed from the beginning because I was crawling through the tunnel to hell which was certainly not logical.

Over time, as the oxygen seemed to decrease and I started drooling from holding a flashlight in my mouth, I reached a point where my fear subsided and I was calm. If I died, it would be ok because I was being adventurous. I was facing fear and spitting in its face. I was on a quest for true love! And if I paid the ultimate price, then so be it!

It was as I reached this mindset that I heard a troubling noise: no noise. My group had evidently stopped and I had not. As quick as a sloth, I turned around and crawled desperately towards the entrance. I don't believe my knees have ever recovered from the ferocity of my crawling. Adventurer I may be, but there was no way I was going to crawl to hell by myself. 

I finally reached the beginning of the tunnel. Evidently a girl in our group had become too frightened and had to turn around... And to my dismay, it was boy-I-was-in-love-with who was comforting her. It was also boy-I-was-in-love-with who gave her a piggy-back ride home and it was also boy-I-was-in-love-with who took her on a date and now boy-I-was-in-love-with is going to marry this girl. 

Apparently, being spontaneous and courageous and adventurous and daring and stupid and trying to fulfill and life-long wish, is not the way to get a guy. Apparently, being afraid, is. Apparently, crawling down a tunnel that probably led to hell or at least to a sewer is not very romantic, but needing a piggy-back ride home is. Apparently, being me was not the right call. I should have been this other girl.  This is why the name of boy-I-was-in-love-with has a "was" in his name. 

I will probably never understand men. 

No, not the city, the commune... and some utopian rope sandals

This is a commune. 

http://www.eastwind.org/

It's pretty cool. I especially like this line in its description:

“East Wind may not be Utopia yet, but we’re getting closer”

They’re probably near utopian status because of the peanut butter they make. It is so delicious. Or maybe it’s the Utopian rope sandals made from leftover rope from their hammocks that make it utopian. Or maybe because it’s a clothing optional, organic commune that’s dedicated to nonviolence and a peaceable, connected, meaningful lifestyle. Probably the peanut butter.

For my Urban Sociology class we had to research a commune and write about it because communes are the anti-city. Classic sociological literature by Tonnies and Simmel on the city says the city is bad for the human soul. Basically, the city creates amoral, unemotional, disconnected society where we all are cogs in the industrial machine called capitalism. The meaning of life is destroyed by us favoring science over religion, and our heads over our heart, and by turning the world into a giant arithmetic problem to be solved. We erase the possibility for intimate relationships by concerning ourselves only with the unmerciless question of “how much?” and feeding off the blasé touch-and-go atmosphere of city life. None of us matter to each other.

This is some pretty heavy stuff.

So communes are supposed to be bring us out of this kind of life. To put us back in touch with nature and our true selves. To move us back to intimate, small town communities. To help us live in balance with others and with ourselves. No longer will we be controlled by a higher power, but we will live meaningful, dedicated lives because we do our work for ourselves and we live to bring help and uplift each other.

Sounds pretty great right? I thought so. I thought, and still think, it would be awesome to visit a commune. Who doesn’t like nut butters and rope sandals? The only problem is that the philosophy behind the creation of communes is completely anti-everything I believe in. And by that I mean, the premise is behaviorism.

The communes created in the 60’s and 70’s are all based off of B.F. Skinner’s book Walden Two where he purports the way to create perfect people is to create the perfect environment. For those of you unfamiliar with Skinner, he is a radical behaviorist. I.e. he believes a person’s behavior can be controlled by controlling the stimuli in his environment. This is a pretty accepted idea in our culture as seen by our love of giving people rewards for doing what we want and punishing those who don’t do what we want, but ultimately it’s a problem.

The problem with this deterministic view of humanity and a problem with the ideals of an intentional community like East Wind, is the issue of meaning. If the idea is to create an environment where peaceable, egalitarian, and conscious behavior can be induced, how is it that this lifestyle is any more or less meaningful than the capitalistic rat race? Either way, whether a person is raised in a commune or a city, their behavior is not their choice but a product of the environment. Without choice, there is no meaning because there is no alternative behavior to reject or free will to reject it. Though the attempt to create a utopian society is a rejection of the ideals of capitalism, ultimately each individual’s behavior is induced or constrained by his or her environment and there is no free-will as people are simply cogs in a different machine. It could be argued that regardless of the issue of free-will, living in a society like East Wind is simply better than that of a city. However, if people are equally determined by their environment in both settings, how can one be more meaningful than the other? Even if the ideals of a commune are “better” than those of the city, couldn’t it be argued that we only think so because of our environment and the values our environment upholds?

Though the philosophical flaw is not a direct problem that communes face, the effects of it are. People in communities striving for utopia still experience problems of meaninglessness. Some still desire something better and some simply cannot or do not want to live up to the standards of the society even though it is the “ideal”. Some still feel trapped and do not have anywhere to go and there are disagreements. Furthermore, though East Wind works hard at being self-sufficient and separate from the capitalistic world, the fact of the matter is, they’re not. In order to stay afloat financially and provide a comfortable lifestyle for its members, they have their own factory to produce nut butter and rely on outside vendors for supplies. They buy clothes from stores outside of their community and they sell their products to the outside world. Yes, they are natural, organic products, but they are products that are sold to make money for their own cause like any other capitalistic business: they just fill a different niche. In the words of Georg Simmel, “Money is concerned only with what is common to all… it reduces all quality and individualism to the question: How much?”. Ultimately, East Wind has not been able to escape the rest of the world, and is in fact dependent on it.

This is not necessarily a bad thing however. Even though East Wind faces the same kind of problems those of us in the capitalistic world face, those who are committed to the work and their values find it meaningful, much like we, who are supposedly constrained by society, find our lives meaningful. Though radical behaviorism is the premise for their attempt at a utopian society and though is fundamentally flawed, when considering what it means to live a “meaningful” life, some members of the society have managed to find what they were looking for: the makings of an earth-friendly, nonviolent, and accepting community that provides a full and significant lifestyle that Tonnies and Simmel would approve of.

So what's my point? I don't know... I have too much to say on the matter. I like peanut butter, and I like sandals, and non-violence and I like that people have found meaning in their lives. And I'm immensely curious about what it's like to live at East Wind. I also like cities. And I dislike behaviorism. And I don't believe in utopia. 

But if you offered me free peanut for the rest of my life, consider me B.F. Skinner's greatest fan and sign me up for a commune.

This is going to be legen - wait for it - DARY!

I am jobless.

And it's driving me insane.

I have this beautiful block of time every morning that would be perfect for a job and I've applied numerous places but I strike out every time.  I don't know what it is... am I ugly? Do we not have the same interests? I'm looking for a long-term thing here not some one-semester stand where I never call again... Maybe it's because I just got out of my last long term job. Can they tell I'm still not over the Cannon Center? It was a hard relationship toward the end there, but I'm still a capable lover, er, worker! For the record, I broke up with the Cannon Center. They still wanted me! I can't even seem to score an early morning custodial position... and those are like the whores of on-campus jobs. They'll literally take anyone. I just don't understand.

Because I've been jobless, I've spent a lot of time watching How I Met Your Mother (which I now believe may be the best show in existence) and living vicariously through the characters. It was while I was doing this in the wee hours of this morning that I had an epiphany. Why not use Barney Stinson's tactics to hook up with girls as a strategy to get a job???? It's perfect! Seriously. This is how I imagine it's done:

1) Suit up

This is a no brainer obviously. Look nice all the time. Unfortunately for me, this requires a dramatic change inn wardrobe as I typically wear jeans and a generic black t-shirt. But here's the thing: Everyone loves a suit. Everyone. “Suits are full of joy. They’re the sartorial equivalent of a baby’s smaile”. True story. So look good all the time, just in case. Even when you go to bed, it’s a good idea to wear suit pajamas.

2) Be awesome

Talk about yourself. A lot. Tell everyone how awesome you clearly are. No questions about it. Be shameless about it. Even lie about it because it increases your awesomeness. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.” Replace your shame gland with pure awesome. Have a job interview? Be confident and talk about how awesome you are in your awesome suit with awesome past experience in the jobs you’ve never before that you’re lying about to be even more awesome. Yeah. Do it. 

3) Try

The truth is, Barney Stinson fails a lot. But, he makes up for it by scoring more than any human should. Because the fact of the matter is, the more you try, the more successes you'll have. I think it's season four episode 22 when they calculate Barney's "batting average" and find out only about 1.2% of the women he hits on actually sleep with him. Yet he's slept with over 200 women. Yes. Over 200. How is that possible? He hits on a ton of women. So. Moral of the story, apply everywhere and someone will eventually sleep with you. Or offer you a job.

4) Find the desperate ones

Barney typically talks about how he tries to score women with low self-esteem and daddy issues. If you're looking for a part-time, student job, this translates to something with a high turn-over rate. They are desperate for employees. Jobs like this are call centers and the like. The thing is, they usually pay above minimum wage and will take just about everyone who applies. I.e. they are hot and easy. If you're looking for something better however, the real rule here is to be exactly what your prospective employer wants. Find their implicit ideals and milk them dry. Do they want someone dependable? Do they want someone who's really intelligent and a problem solver? Solve their problems dependably and talk about how awesome you are at doing it.

5) Manipulation

Manipulate people. Use your charm, creativity, and all-around sexiness to seduce anyone into doing what you want them to do. Pretty straightforward. 

6) Make a video resume

This one is applied directly to jobs. Barney has a video resume which scored him many important, affluent, corporate jobs. It does not say anything about his skills, it just talks about how awesome he is and shows very attractive shots of him doing strange things. This is clearly gold.

7) Acquire unique skills

Barney is an illusionist, speaks Ukraine, Mandarin and Korean, can run a marathon without training, plays piano, can stay under water for 12 minutes, can punch through walls, is adept at juggling knives, is champion at laser tag, is a master of disguise, can guess any price on the Price is Right, always looks good in pictures, and is an elaborate prank creator. All of these things add to your awesomeness and will help you manipulate any situation to your advantage. 

8) Follow the Play Book and The Bro Code. 

For more information, visit http://www.barneystinsonblog.com/category/my-blog/

9) Challenge yourself

Barney frequently takes up challenges presented to him. Typically they involve near-impossible ways to pick up women. Like dressing up like an old man to pick up a woman or wearing overalls to pick up a woman. The point is, challenge yourself. It makes everything much more fun.

Although I am a firm believer in being genuine in everything you do, being as awesome definitely has it's perks and gets you what you want. It is doubtful, achieving that level of awesomeness Barney has achieved is even possible... regardless, as far as the job search has gone, being myself has not panned out. Therefore, I will go buy some some suits and pretend to be thoroughly awesome. 

I think these wise words from Barney pretty much sums it up:

“Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and she’s way too hot for you. So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em tiger!”

no, not the city, the state

I am from a very small town in upstate New York. For those of you not from New York, "upstate" means everything that's not NYC... so basically the whole state. I've provided some helpful images to make this clearer. But somehow, even though NYC is only 3% of the square mileage of New York state, somehow whenever I say I'm from New York, it is most often assumed I am from the city. It's probably because I look like I'm from the city slums or like I'm part of a gang. Or because of my obnoxious New York City accent. Or because I'm always in a rush and I'm snobby and think I'm better than everyone else. Or because I think New York is better than every other state.

Yes I just spouted out a ton of stereotypes. No, I am not any of them. Also, in the ONE time I've been to the city, I did not find any of these stereotypes to be the case. I did see a rat though. Just sayin.

Then again, I am kind of snobby when it comes to pizza. New York pizza is the best. No question. I dare you to disagree with me.

Anyway. No I'm not from the city, but somehow, people think I am. Here's how a typical conversation usually goes:

NYC lover #1: where are you from?
Me: upstate New York
NYC lover #!: Oh I love it there! I went to Times Square last year! NYC is awesome.
Me: ...yeah I bet it was cool. I'm not from the city. I'm from a tiny town surrounded by dairy farms...
NYC lover #2: oh...

Or...

NYC lover #2: where are you from?
Me: upstate New York
NYC lover #2: Oh I've been there loads of times! I saw The Lion King on Broadway last year!
Me: cool. I've only been to NYC once.
NYC lover #2: wait... what?

Or...

Empathetic NY "expert": where are you from?
Me: upstate New York
Empathetic NY "expert": Oh... I bet Provo is way too small for a city slicker like you. It must be hard being away from the city.
Me: If by too small you mean I find it slightly suffocating and wish I could walk down the street and see some cows, then yes... it is way too small. I'm glad you understand.

For those of you who did not know, New York is not one giant city. Just thought I'd make that clear.

Then there's those who have been upstate or have a distant cousin who's hairdresser lived in Rochester or something. They always ask "oh what part of New York are you from?". This is a difficult question to answer as you only have a few seconds to assess the questioner's knowledge of places in upstate New York. I am terrible at choosing the most understandable description of my town but I have an arsenal of options that I usually spew out at the unsuspecting questioner hoping one hits something that sounds familiar to them. Usually I stutter an "uhh, um... how much do you know about New York?" then I cycle through the following:

"It's near Binghamton... and Ithaca.... and Elmira.... sort of... you know, like where the Express was set?"
"It's right on the border of Pennsylvania and the Susquehanna river"
"It's like 2 hours south of (choose one of the following: Rochester, Palmyra, Buffalo, Syracuse, etc)
"It's like 4 hours from the city"
"There's a nudist colony like 40 minutes away"
"If you find yourself in a flood zone, you're pretty much there"
"It's literally 10 minutes away from the coolest small town in America. It's a legitimate title."
"It's southeast of the finger lakes"
"Yeah... It's a really small town... you've probably never heard of it"

My favorite is when people ask what the name of my hometown is, to which I reply:

"It's called Nichols. It used to be called Dimes but then the recession hit"

Bahahaha. Yes. I do make this joke.

At any rate, upstate New York is awesome. Here's about 1% of the reasons why:

1. Spiedies
2. The best pizza in the world
3. The best wings in the world
4. The best apples
5. The Adirondack mountains, which is the largest protected park in the United States. Take that, Yellowstone
6. It is the second cloudiest part of the country. And I love clouds.
7. Awesome sunsets
8. Rolling hills covered in trees that are amazing in the fall.
9. A hill about 5 minutes away from my house is "famous" because it almost literally doesn't get any sunlight on one side so this very rare form of lichen grows on it. Cool right?
10. You can find trilobite fossils everywhere! the geography is so old!
11. The New York State Fair. There's always a butter sculpture. A SCULPTURE made of BUTTER.
12. My dog is there. My dog is the best.
13. Niagra Falls
14. The New York Mets
15. Rye bread
16. The Erie Canal
17. Jimmer Fredette
18. Mark Twain
19. It's a Wonderful Life
20: Fireflies

I could keep going but I don't want to overwhelm everyone with the pure awesomeness of New York. It can be pretty hard to handle. Because my state could definitely beat up your state. With it's eyes closed using only one finger lake.You just wish you had a New York state of mind. Where was my state last night? At your mom's house. My state is just that awesome. Your state just wishes it was as popular as mine.

Ok, so maybe one of the NYC stereotypes is true. I just can't help that I'm from the best state ever...

A letter to myself

Dear Liz

It's been a while since we've talked. Much too long. I know you've got a lot on your plate but... I'm writing to you because you have stopped taking my phone calls and are ignoring when I try to talk to you on Facebook or text you. I even succeed at keeping you awake at night but you still won't listen to me. I don't know why you're ignoring me but it has got to stop... I have some things to say.

The thing is, Liz, you were supposed to be graduating this semester and starting you're life and doing wonderful awesome things. Entering the real world. Applying to grad school programs and the Peace Corps and biking across America and taking advantage of the "prime of life". You're single! You're 20 years old! No ties to anyone! You can make your life anything you want it to be! And go wherever you want! So why did you post-pone graduation? Why stop when you're so far ahead?

Are you afraid? Afraid of what? You've planned your life over and over. You were going to go to Romania and work in an orphanage. You were going to apply for Teach for America. You were going to do the AmeriCorps. You know whatever you end up doing, you'll be fine because you work really hard at things you're committed to. So why are you afraid?

Is it the commitment? Are you afraid of committing to something? Oh, so maybe you're afraid of making the wrong choice... I see. But, Liz, is there really a right or wrong choice in the matter? Isn't life about doing things? Making mistakes and learning? Do you honestly think whatever you choose will be the wrong choice? Won't everything just work itself out in the end? Being afraid is silly. Honestly. Maybe you just need to pick something and go for it and stop over-thinking everything. You cannot predict the future no matter how hard you try so give it up. You know you don't believe in making decisions based off of fear. Fear is to be acknowledged but shouldn't rule your life, Liz. Don't let it push you around.

So now you're staying in Provo for another year. Do you really want to do that? Weren't you just complaining about how much you don't like Provo? Wait... you can't tell me you actually like it now? Really, Liz? You like this place? Why? Stockholm Syndrome? I mean the mountains are great, sure... And school is pretty awesome... I know you like school. You're such  a nerd, Liz. But honestly is that a good reason to stay? Plus it doesn't even have good pizza! Ok, so the Mexican food is better here... And Salt Lake is pretty cool. And you're doing pretty well for yourself as far as making connections goes... But pizza, Liz! You know pizza in New York is better. Plus, don't you miss the dairy farms? Provo is too big for you! Yeah, I know you've learned how to use the bus system. And you can bike everywhere you need to go so you don't have to worry about buying a car and all the crap that comes with that... Provo is pretty nice that way... You would definitely need a car to go back home... you hate the thought of buying a car...

Ok, Ok. So you like Provo. Whatever! You'd like anywhere you stay! I know you pretty well and once you commit to something you end up liking it or finding the good parts in it. But still, Liz, come on...

Also, I know you've been going to school year round and working and researching and have an internship... You're probably burnt out and need a break. But think! If you just pushed yourself one last semester you could be done!... Maybe that would be too much though... That would be really hard. But one more semester seems like such a waste...Yeah I know last semester really kicked your arse but you can do it right? ..... right?

But then again you haven't applied to any grad schools... And what would you do this summer if you graduated? Find a job? Where? Go back home? But you want to go somewhere new... You can hardly get a job with Psychology degree anyway.... So you'd be stuck for a while. Unless you started seriously thinking about a volunteer program, in which case you'd have to pick one like right now. Like stop reading this and go pick something. Or you could bike across America. That's definitely an option. But you need money to do that. And a new bike... though that sounds awful lonely. But that's ok, Liz, you're really good at being independent.

I guess if you did stay in school you could take that art class you always wanted to take.... That would be cool. And you could actually take advantage of how gorgeous Utah is and explore a little more... And you could do some more research studies which is super lame but I know you like that stuff. I guess it wouldn't be a terrible thing to graduate later. Plus you have friends here. Of course, you have friends and family at home too. And your dog is at home... Think of your dog, Liz.

Anyway, my point was.... wait what was my point? Oh yeah. Graduate already!.... but then again.... maybe that's not a great idea... Yeah never mind... Pfft. I have no idea. I tried to be the voice of reason but noooo. You had to go and make everything all complicated and think everything through. Way too much. You know what your problem is? You think way too much, Liz. You have plenty of other problems too but I won't even get into those. And I doubt I've even written half of what's going on in your head. Good luck trying to figure this stuff out. You're gonna need it.

I'm sorry. I would probably ignore me too.

Sincerely

Liz