Some thought on what it means to be honest

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality" -Viktor Frankl

Being honest… is not as simple as it sounds. It’s not just being able to say “yes Roommate, I ate your pizza rolls” when she asks angrily. It’s not just telling someone what you think in the moment. It’s not just not lying. It’s feeling. It’s expressing what you feel.  Even when it may hurt you or the other person. Even when you might lose something.

Being truly honest requires an acknowledgement of the fact we have no control. That even with our best efforts, we might still lose what we are desperately trying to keep. It also requires knowing that pain isn’t inherently a bad thing and in fact might be one of the greatest gifts we can give.

I see this – I feel this – a lot in relationships. Especially romantic ones. I mean we have all these “rules” right? Like don’t be the one to text first, don’t act too clingy, if he does ____  it means ____ etc etc etc. Even if you don’t believe in rules, it’s hard not to get sucked into patterns of behavior or states of mind in a relationship. Suddenly when you feel everything start to fall apart it becomes a game of should have’s and keeping quiet. I shouldn’t have done ____ , If only I had ____, I can’t say the wrong thing or I might drive so-and-so away, what will he think if I do ____, I don’t want to seem too clingy or like I’m invested more in this than so-and-so….

These are surface-y examples but even in deeper into relationships we feel the need to protect and to hide in order not to hurt the other person.  I frequently hear people say “I just don’t want to hurt anyone”. So it’s a game of trying to guess what other people want to hear and hiding what’s inside. On the surface, it’s a noble thought but ultimately it blocks any potential of being genuine and hurts much more than it would if the truth were on the table

What do we think we can do by protecting people or following the rules? I think I can control the situation. I think that if I do “X” I’ll get “Y”. While this may be true on some occasions, when we expect a “Y” from another human being, we assume we can control them or manipulate them to get what we want. Does this seem a little wrong to you? It does to me…  but feeling like I have some control is so much easier and less painful than feeling like I don’t… and it’s not vulnerable. Maybe people won’t leave me if I do X. Maybe I can avoid conflict altogether. My feelings don’t matter that much anyway right? What I’m feeling is stupid. I’ll get over it. It won’t matter in the long run anyway. It’s ok if people don’t know what I really think or feel…

But what happens when I'm not honest? I live a lie. Seems logical: if I'm not honest, I'm lying. But what does that really mean? What does it mean to lie to people and what kind of implications does this have? I lie to people all the time. I lie and say I'm good when people ask how my day is. I lie when I'm really annoyed with someone but don't want to tell them because it might cause a "problem". I lie when I'm angry at people for the same reason. I lie when people hurt me because I don't want them to hurt too. I lie when I'm trying to get something and do things I don't agree with. I lie when I am only the empathetic listener in all of my relationships but never share what I really feel. I live a lie. And what happens? No one ever knows me. I shut people out. I treat people like they are something to be controlled. I lose the opportunity to have genuine interactions with people - to express my hurt, and to let them do the same. I would even go as far as to say I lose a a part of my humanity... because I'm no longer allowed to be me and no longer allowed to feel and express what humans feel: hurt, anger, sadness, etc.   

The sad thing is, I would give a lot to know what people thought about me or what they feel when I’m around. I would give a lot for someone to call me out on this crap. I would give a lot for someone to yell at me and make me engage with them honestly. I would give a lot if someone would give up their own fear and BE with me in the moment. For someone to be themselves and give me permission to be me as well. And I want to be brave enough to do the same. I guess the way I see it is being honest is akin to giving another person everything I have. I think that’s the greatest gift anyone can give. It’s how we can grow, it’s how we can acknowledge our faults and our strengths, and it’s how we can give another important gifts and insights into their own self as well as figuring out our own. It’s how we can love. Truly love. Without expectation. Without idealization. Being and the giving someone else the opportunity to know you and choose to leave or stay on their own right. I mean, that’s one of the most beautiful things about love, right? When someone can see all of me and still accept me for exactly what I am and what I am becoming. To have all my flaws and strengths on the table, open and still have someone say they want to be with me. Yes, there is the potential of losing everything and some, maybe even most, people will walk away. And that hurts. A lot. But the possibility to be more is there. To truly love. Being honest is loving and inviting others to love.