This is going to be legen - wait for it - DARY!

I am jobless.

And it's driving me insane.

I have this beautiful block of time every morning that would be perfect for a job and I've applied numerous places but I strike out every time.  I don't know what it is... am I ugly? Do we not have the same interests? I'm looking for a long-term thing here not some one-semester stand where I never call again... Maybe it's because I just got out of my last long term job. Can they tell I'm still not over the Cannon Center? It was a hard relationship toward the end there, but I'm still a capable lover, er, worker! For the record, I broke up with the Cannon Center. They still wanted me! I can't even seem to score an early morning custodial position... and those are like the whores of on-campus jobs. They'll literally take anyone. I just don't understand.

Because I've been jobless, I've spent a lot of time watching How I Met Your Mother (which I now believe may be the best show in existence) and living vicariously through the characters. It was while I was doing this in the wee hours of this morning that I had an epiphany. Why not use Barney Stinson's tactics to hook up with girls as a strategy to get a job???? It's perfect! Seriously. This is how I imagine it's done:

1) Suit up

This is a no brainer obviously. Look nice all the time. Unfortunately for me, this requires a dramatic change inn wardrobe as I typically wear jeans and a generic black t-shirt. But here's the thing: Everyone loves a suit. Everyone. “Suits are full of joy. They’re the sartorial equivalent of a baby’s smaile”. True story. So look good all the time, just in case. Even when you go to bed, it’s a good idea to wear suit pajamas.

2) Be awesome

Talk about yourself. A lot. Tell everyone how awesome you clearly are. No questions about it. Be shameless about it. Even lie about it because it increases your awesomeness. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.” Replace your shame gland with pure awesome. Have a job interview? Be confident and talk about how awesome you are in your awesome suit with awesome past experience in the jobs you’ve never before that you’re lying about to be even more awesome. Yeah. Do it. 

3) Try

The truth is, Barney Stinson fails a lot. But, he makes up for it by scoring more than any human should. Because the fact of the matter is, the more you try, the more successes you'll have. I think it's season four episode 22 when they calculate Barney's "batting average" and find out only about 1.2% of the women he hits on actually sleep with him. Yet he's slept with over 200 women. Yes. Over 200. How is that possible? He hits on a ton of women. So. Moral of the story, apply everywhere and someone will eventually sleep with you. Or offer you a job.

4) Find the desperate ones

Barney typically talks about how he tries to score women with low self-esteem and daddy issues. If you're looking for a part-time, student job, this translates to something with a high turn-over rate. They are desperate for employees. Jobs like this are call centers and the like. The thing is, they usually pay above minimum wage and will take just about everyone who applies. I.e. they are hot and easy. If you're looking for something better however, the real rule here is to be exactly what your prospective employer wants. Find their implicit ideals and milk them dry. Do they want someone dependable? Do they want someone who's really intelligent and a problem solver? Solve their problems dependably and talk about how awesome you are at doing it.

5) Manipulation

Manipulate people. Use your charm, creativity, and all-around sexiness to seduce anyone into doing what you want them to do. Pretty straightforward. 

6) Make a video resume

This one is applied directly to jobs. Barney has a video resume which scored him many important, affluent, corporate jobs. It does not say anything about his skills, it just talks about how awesome he is and shows very attractive shots of him doing strange things. This is clearly gold.

7) Acquire unique skills

Barney is an illusionist, speaks Ukraine, Mandarin and Korean, can run a marathon without training, plays piano, can stay under water for 12 minutes, can punch through walls, is adept at juggling knives, is champion at laser tag, is a master of disguise, can guess any price on the Price is Right, always looks good in pictures, and is an elaborate prank creator. All of these things add to your awesomeness and will help you manipulate any situation to your advantage. 

8) Follow the Play Book and The Bro Code. 

For more information, visit http://www.barneystinsonblog.com/category/my-blog/

9) Challenge yourself

Barney frequently takes up challenges presented to him. Typically they involve near-impossible ways to pick up women. Like dressing up like an old man to pick up a woman or wearing overalls to pick up a woman. The point is, challenge yourself. It makes everything much more fun.

Although I am a firm believer in being genuine in everything you do, being as awesome definitely has it's perks and gets you what you want. It is doubtful, achieving that level of awesomeness Barney has achieved is even possible... regardless, as far as the job search has gone, being myself has not panned out. Therefore, I will go buy some some suits and pretend to be thoroughly awesome. 

I think these wise words from Barney pretty much sums it up:

“Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and she’s way too hot for you. So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em tiger!”