With my own hands

This past week has been incredible. It’s hard to find words to describe the feelings I’ve felt and things I’ve done and seen and it’s impossible to know where I will end up as a result. But here I am, slightly hung-over from gulping down the all that my life has to offer right now. After a shorter-than-usual incarceration in my shadows and past fears, I’ve broken out and am running free. 

From my decisions came consequences. From those consequences came depression. From my depression came my anger. Out of my anger came acceptance. Then with that acceptance, I acted. And I acted with all the fervor my too-long passive heart could muster.

I have a tendency of getting myself into patterns of relationships where the only acting I do is preemptive striking. I stop making decisions for myself because I’m afraid of losing something. Every action of mine is simply a reaction or comes from whatever I fear may happen. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that it’s better to act and make mistakes and possibly lose than to shrink into nothingness. I'm not alive to live small, I'm here to play big.

I went to the Grand Canyon with a dear friend after months of talking about it and waiting for something else to take me there. I was tired of waiting and, you know, even though it wasn’t what I imagined the trip would be like, it was perfect in everything it was. We saw about a hundred deer (and almost hit several of them), buffalo, killer bees, and a million stars. We slept in my car, talked about important things, and made friends with a guy who could’ve kicked us out of the park. And of course, we experienced the Grand Canyon. When I saw it then, it was more than I could’ve ever imagined and when I think about it now, it makes me cry. It’s funny how this place, a revered hole in the ground, began to fill its equal in my heart. All my questions I had had for the universe and for God became irrelevant when I chose to be there.

So I kept choosing. I gave my heart. I told someone I love things he probably already knew but had never explicitly heard. I broke promises. I bonded with a coworker I never particularly liked simply by being honest with her. I made new friends. I gave my time to my clients and helped someone step back from suicide. I empowered a family I work with. I was vulnerable with a group of friends in a fantastic midnight adventure. I got my ears pierced again. I spent time with people I love and got to know them better. I embraced spontaneity. I acted without expectation. I made decisions that may lead to consequences I’ve never faced before. I saw myself as I really am instead of trying to hide and I was simultaneously pleased and dismayed by what I saw. I got pissed off at a friend and told him exactly how I felt. I loved in all the ways I know how. And so much more… So much more that I don’t know how to share.

A part of 2 Nephi 2:26 “…And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not be acted upon…”. I’m not perfect. I make poor decisions more often than not and I have to deal with the consequences. But from those, I've grown. My darkest moments have not been in making my mistakes; I have only gotten into truly dark places when I see my right to choose as something to be afraid of instead of something to learn with. The darkness is not so deep when I embrace my weakness, keep going, keep acting, and accept that even though I am imperfect, I am still loved. Freedom is acting for yourself. There is still freedom when we continue to choose even when we make what may be terrible mistakes. There is the opportunity to see things as they really are and to TRULY change. I don’t think life was ever about not making mistakes, or about being perfect (which is something I easily get caught up in). It’s about the process and choosing in the face of imperfection and it’s the only way to change.

Why not do what you want now? Why not live the live you truly desire today? What's stopping you besides you? Why wait for something else to hand you what you want? Go for it. Give up the one-day-I-will's and if-only-I-had-done's. Give up the fear. Choose by the yearnings of your own heart and do it with your own hands.