Liz vs. Technology

It’s time for me to write about something that’s been on my mind for quite a while now. Behold, my second most greatest fear:

Yes, as it appears, I am afraid of smart phones. It is second only to my fear of being alone and it’s followed closely by my fear of the Amazon jungle (but seriously guys, the Amazon is terrifying. We don’t even know what’s in there). It’s actually not the smart phones that scare me, it’s technology. Because slowly but surely we are all going to become part of the Borg, like that poor man in the commercial. And this is a selling point for technology??? It’s supposed to be appealing to be turned into a machine like all those sci-fi movies warn against being? I just don’t quite get it

I mean… let’s think about this for a second. Or rather, let me tell you my thoughts and you laugh at me from a distance. There are cars that drive themselves. The entertainment industry can create holograms of dead people that are scarily realistic. If we can do that for entertainment, what does that mean for agencies that have entertainment as the last thing on their priority list? (e.g. the CIA). Ever heard of Google glasses? Well with those, you barely even need hands any more. Especially since your car can drive itself. And I mean has anyone even really considered touch screens??? They make no sense. Heck, computers don’t make sense. When I had a desk job sometimes I would get suddenly get hit with disbelief of the existence computer screen and would just have to stop and think about it for a few minutes. You move around this thing on a desk (called a “mouse”. What?) and a little pointer on a screen “clicks” virtual things and pulls up different images and information from ALL OVER THE WORLD. Like, I understand buttons ok? With a button I know there’s some little current of electricity traveling from one point to the other telling the electricity gods to pull up a new picture on the screen. Computers are just, like, boxes of electricity with a keyboard of buttons and somehow programmers (or electricity wizards) make the buttons mean something and turn the electricity into pictures and stuff. That makes a marginal amount of sense. But touch screens? THERE ARE NO BUTTONS! THE WHOLE DAMN THING IS BUTTON! How. Does. This. Work. I don’t know. Don’t ask me. And I mean, don’t even get me started on the internet. The internet = magic signals being sent from the earth to satellites to earth then back to space and back to earth to your smart phone. I mean….. these signals are all around us being sent back and forth FROM SPACE…. Literally. Like, stick out your hand and wave it around a bit. Guess what? You’re touching the internet! Yup that’s Google and Facebook and probably a bunch of porn websites and whole lot of other stuff at your fingertips… just floating around you and going right through your body. I mean if you could see all the stuff that’s in the air right now, it would blow your mind……

I sound like I’m on LSD.

Ok so yeah technology is pretty cool. I use it of course – I’m using it right now. Did you know the common smart phone has more computing power than the computers used to send man to the moon? Don’t completely trust that statement, I saw it on Pinterest. Technology has brought the world together (ish) and made relationships easier (maybe but not really) and made ideas more accessible (yeah). And Facebook is great to keep connected with people blah blah blah blah… I mean I can’t imagine graduating college without the interwebs. Science is cool. It’s cool that mankind creates things that make regular tasks easier. Ever heard of the cotton gin? That was pretty useful in its day right? I mean that’s all we ever talked about in middle school when the industrial revolution came up. Steam engines? Yeah ok. Cars? I sorta understand those. They have lots of wires and stuff and batteries and oil and wheels which I like. But I mean… CD’s were stretching it for me…

So I got a smart phone for Christmas. And it’s pretty cool. I’ve had a weird jealousy of people who can take a picture and instantly put it on the interwebs and now I can do it too! But I really don’t think I can handle this kind of technology. At least once a day I catch myself just touching my phone in disbelief… the whole thing is a button. A smooth button-less button that I can play Words With Friends on…. And it gets the internet everywhere. Also, does anyone know what 3G means? I think it might mean 3 Gods (because it’s a capital G) because it must take more than one internet god to make the internet organize itself from the air around me and channel through my phone so quickly. And I mean I like my phone but touch screens are hard to use… I unwittingly call someone at least once a day just because I caress or tap my phone is just the wrong way and don’t realize it till it’s too late. Have you thought about the way you touch your phone? It’s almost human like…

And that’s the next step right? I mean people go through withdrawals without their phones or computers or i-whatevers, so why not make it so you can never accidentally forget or have to leave your technology? If people have trouble not getting on a computer or putting down their phone for a whole day, the next logical step is to literally have technology made part of you so you never have to leave it. Need to make a phone call? Just use the touch pad on your arm and you’ll be connected. Need the internet? The mechanical addition to your eyes will project a screen for you and you can just touch the air like a screen to get the information you need. Or hey, want to take a picture? Just blink your eyes. Sounds convenient right? We’ll just implant that phone into your arm. And then you can’t ever escape the “convenience” of it all. And you’ll always be connected to the world and then you’ll just be an IP number and then you’ll get more implants because technology is just so dang cool and who needs nature and human contact anyway? And then the world won’t be the world any more but will be called the “collective” and the government will be the hive and we’ll live on a floating cube ship and…

Resistance is futile.